We're suited, some art gon' get booted.

We promised pictures a while back. We never got them, so you won't either. Unless you're the guy who wouldn't leave us alone for taking them when we bust some Marmite balls in Coventry about a month ago.

We also should blog more than once a month, but we could sit here and write stuff you're probably not going to read, or go away and make things you're probably never going to see. We're the hands on types so we've been working away, covering ourselves with a thin even layer of fibreglass, inside and out, and in doing so made some pretty neat stuff.

This stuff, we plan to take down south for the next leg of Marmite Prize 2010/11. It's the judging ceremony, so in an opportunity to burn any potential bridges we might ever have with Bill Woodrow and Marcus Harvey, we're off to detect at the prize giving ceremony. Bill donated the trophy, which we're going to certificate also, but we're most excited about Marcus, he's judging (alongside others). Now, we're not just judging art, we're judging judging.


The Nunnery, Bow. Thursday. 6.30. Be there.

Marmite.

After somewhat of a mid-Art-Detection-Services-life crisis, we're back to the blog with a fresh sense of purpose and direction. We'd never intended this blog become a review-review-review thing, more a highlight of our whereabouts and whatwe'reuptos, but since more often than not we're out looking at art, it so happened that it fell down the review path. It was also the case that writing about what we'd been upto after a day slogging away in the studio until the early hours perfecting our tech, a simple 144 character tweet fit the mood better than writing an actual blog post. That, or we just haven't been upto a lot. We don't get about much, because we're a bit of a liability.

Next week however, things are different. The kind folk at The Marmite Prize for Painting understand our invaluable work, and at their at Lanchester Gallery Projects leg of the Marmite tour we'll be scanning and certificating all the work in the show for them to ensure that everything is upto scratch. Without our presence, it'd promise to be an absolutely shit'ot piece of exhibition ass, but we can pretty safely guarantee that we'll add something to the night. Come find out what, you know you want to.

Bill Woodrow, Hammerhead (2010)

(This years marmite prize)

Standard Private View opening conditions apply. Essentially, get there for 6ish and have a drink. Details are on their website which can be found hidden behind the word here.

We'll see you there.

Somehow we missed this.

Last year at the end of March, we were checking out all the funky things going on in the art world and somehow managed to miss this.

It's a performance piece called Interior Semiotics by Natacha Stolz aka Gabbi Colette. And it is shit. Absolutely shit.

We felt so strongly about how shit it is, we felt the immediate need to blog about its shittiness.

We advise that if you object to an imbecile fumbling to open a can of somethingorother for around 2 minutes, then rubbing it into and onto herself, cutting open her jeans, rubbing/ramming it into her vagina, producing a disgusting brown liquidy residue in doing so, and then some fucking idiots applauding, that this video is not for you. In fact, if you've the power of sight, hearing, or any senses whatsoever, this video is not for you. Even if you have no senses, nor sense, nor arms, legs, spine nor brain that this video is not for you.

Natacha Stolz aka Cabbi Colette, you are a fucking idiot.

Happy New Year, arts fans!

Shit just got real.

We’ve been lazy. We fell out with art for a while and got really lazy blogging. We also didn’t want this blog to become solely about reviewing what we see (especially when, in the case of Modern Art Oxford doing a review leads to their deciding to un-follow us on twitter. Ahem). Still, within the last week we ventured to Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery to see a show entitled ‘New Art Now’. A show in which three of the ‘new’ pieces featured in a show in the exact same room around three years ago. So... has art stood completely still within the last few years. We hope not. Especially when one of our pieces ended up in a show at BMAG not so long back. Luckily when we cleared out our handbag earlier and this small mountain of TROVE paraphernalia materialised

we figured it time to break our blogging abstinence and write something down.

So, at the risk of simply describing what we saw (as we are aware we have a tendency to do), and apparent growing obsession with the jewellery quarter space aside, the shows have quite simply been getting better since we started going. Within the space of a week TROVE has hosted two shows, both exceptional. The second of these shows was without a doubt the best to date, using not just the incredible science museum site we have lusted to go to at every opportunity but a courtyard, and two other buildings.

Usually, we quip and jape over what we see. We like to keep things light and find any humour or fun we possibly can in what we see. Our relationship with art is such that we show our love for it like an 8 year old boy does to a small girl in a playground, by poking, prodding, ridiculing and bullying it. And in that playgroundish manner of boys being boys, on the way home from TROVE last Friday, a member of our squad tripped down and grazed his knee. Typical.

One month on, we're still alive.

This blog post is presented based upon advice from our therapist.

She said that the best way to address the issues caused by last months ARC offering, Companis' Bawdyville would be to take them by the Mawashi and sumo them into submission.

The reason for this Japanese analogy is that the main cause for our anguish was that, as part of the experience, we were exposed to an experience beyond our most depraved and lurid imaginings. The time that we were exposed, in the name of art, to eating this

off of this

dressed as this

Ahem. We'd like to thank Companis very much for broadening our mind, for putting on a show of art that was not just engaging but entertaining, and wish them the best with their Bone Dinner coming up shortly at Eastside Projects. 27th of October sees the next ARC by the Institute of Meaningful Interaction. We're told we'll be psychologically ready for it by then. Fingers crossed.

Oxford. 2 Letters out.

Yesterday, Oxford. The city best described by changing the F for a T and the second O for a U. It smelled. And whilst the city itself honked rather unpleasantly of faeces, the shows we encountered within Modern Art Oxford, Manfred Pernice and the Bloors, had a nostalgic smell - fresh cut wood, our favourite, setting a high benchmark for our expectations.

The show was an odd one. Initially, we were confused, bored, flippant, apathetic. But these shows, in their combination of household junk, flung together on some sublime cubes as shown by Pernice, and shameless self promotion of the brothers Bloor, brazenly exhibiting a collection of posters for the show that we were already in, collectively, rung the kinds of bells we like to hear resonate. We like singing our own praise. We like stapling a bunch of what everyone would look upon as waste together. We like both of these things. And we definitely, definitely like both of these things within galleries. We like art when it is reflexive. And in the same way that we like it when we see wrestlers in films. Or rappers in films. Or both rappers and wrestlers in films, we liked this hotchpotch of shouldn't-work-but-it-does. Just like this winters sure to be blockbuster - Xzibit vs Stone Cold Steve Austin: A Space Odyssey*

(**)

So then, Modern Art Oxford. One question (if that kind of art is what you're gonna show) - When's our exhibition gonna be?!

*not an actual film.

**Illustration purposes only, neither the aforementioned rapper nor wrestler.

You sirs; busy.

We're overwhelmed. Our legs hurt, our ears hurt (thanks to one show in particular) and our 100% accurate machines are very much worse for wear. One of them, in fact, is no more. A sad day, I'm sure you'll all agree.

So many things happened, we've opted to limit our reviews to a maximum of 12 words. You know, keep it snappy. There shall be a maximum of 1 link/photo to accompany each review.

Last Tuesday was a pedestrian start to the week with a new show at Ikon Gallery. Which we missed. But we promise we'll go soon.

Wednesday was VIVID's new show, which, contrary to entering 'vivid' into google, did not yeild hardcore pornography.

Haroon Mirza's show The Last Tape was - Flyspray projection with added revolution of a radio-tacular.

Thursday was the opening to the latest TROVE (art galleries are loving the capslock these days), and a portion of the Coventry University MA Art Shows. We've seen these since then too and can safely say

Sing Silent Songs - Turn off your speakers and click on this. Very enjoyable.

Coventry MA - Opening to 'Enter The Void'. Words. Flashing Lights. Improvement = Dark.

And then, Friday. Friday started with Eastside Projects, which had two shows, though we'll review them both in the same ten words. Then Ikon Eastside's + AVPD, followed by Grand Union showing Jamie Shovlin, and then Inside Out Festival on the other side of a road.

Eastside Projects Jennifer Tee + Elizabeth McAlpine - Fucking hell solid marble obelisk + some projectors + pots + rugs.

Ikon Eastside AVPD Hitchcock Hallway -Like climbing into our mind, stealing our thoughts and making them better.

Grand Union Jamie Shovlin - Like the bullets that explode your head on impact via horror + noise.

Inside Out Festival - The most inside out bit = shhhh-ing band trying to calm a party.

...

Ah crap, the bits where we were meant to include a photo/link didn't happen too well. And those reviews were pretty un-insightful. So here is a video of some probably endangered species getting pissed on fruit to entertain you instead.

P.S. How are all y'all beards?

Save The Arts (And Us!)

The last few days or so (how many days is a 'few days or so'? - we're pitching for about 11.4) have seen a load of famous, profound, influential, but most importantly famous artists pitch a case that the arts need to be saved from some evil monsters or similar. Why wouldn't they. If the arts aren't saved, they don't exist. Or their jobs don't exist, something like that.

We're in a similar position. Without the arts, the need to kick-art-ass dwindles significantly. (Or, due to a lack of funds, the quality of art drops significantly, more bad art exists and our job becomes all the more invaluable. But let's not take that risk)

This campaign started with David Shrigley, saw some day-glow texted posters, and most recently saw Mark Wallinger do a thing. Many more have signed a petition. We've never been one for petitions in the past. But seeing as it only takes a couple of seconds to do, even if (like all the petitions we ever did before) it doesn't mean a whole load nor go anywhere, it's worth the punt.

We've conjured up an idea which will physically demonstrate our love for the arts. Our contribution to the efforts. We're growing arts-cuts-protest-beards. And we suggest that you do the same. Pass on this information to everyone you know and love. Here are some celebrities who thus far have shown their support:

Zach Galifianakis

Santa Claus

Religion Man

Sadly, Joaquin Phoenix has shaved off his beard having heard the news due to his vast hatred of the UK arts scene. Though it is a safe bet to assume that everyone you see from this moment onwards wearing a beard has joined our fight against cuts in arts funding. We look forward to seeing your beards, compadres!

You need to see this.

What could be more a representation of artistic perfection than a shoddy painting of some famous celebrity chefs having a roadside picnic? You may spot a few familiar faces in this phenomenal use of the worlds resources. Look out for your favourite here, chilling out in this delightful scene available for the bargain price of about a grand. It's literally got all the greats. In the photo we managed to crop out Keith Floyd (which we promise isn't because he's dead) sitting in the corner as close to Nigella Lawson as we all dream of. Oddly, Jamie is the only one who seems to want to cook. Though don't think too hard about that, because what is truly amazing is how the artist has managed to capture perfectly the shininess of Ainsley Harriott's head.

These are all witty observations, naturally, and it's easy to poke fun at a playful picture. The serious issue here is why Gordon has been segregated and confined to the other side of the road. Why? Perhaps because he is Scottish. Perhaps because he so persistently swears. The constant clapping of his hands to draw attention to himself like an ADHD child full of lemonade and skittles. Maybe because as the artist seems to have captured, because he is having a stroke. His dreadful wig? We don't know. But we definitely, absolutely 100% love this painting. It's fun. Good fun.

Well, that is if you excuse the tree (which you may see if you squint hidden in the shadow at the left) which has an unforgivably straight bottom.

Martin Creed Vs. The Expendables.

Last week we got called in to check out a couple of things to see if they deserved to be in the world. Firstly, on Thursday we saw The Expendables by Sylvester Stallone. Then on Saturday we ventured up the UK to see Martin Creed's new show at Fruitmarket in Edinburgh. Both of these returned highly positive results on their respective testing devices (an art detector and our brand spanking new filmometer). This provoked us to have a little think. If you look at The Expendables as an expression of how one man wanted his work to be simultaneously ludicrous, hilarious, and riddled with moments where it undoes itself, it's sort of like how Martin likes to flow. Likewise, Mr Creed often describes what he shows as a collection of failures, attempts to make something like he used to (when he was a child), and doesn't quite cut it. The Expendables? A load of failures, nailed together, still not reaching either their goal to be an homage to the past, nor what the creator wanted them to be? Never.

Maybe.

Naturally, all of these coincidental similarities are ridiculously contrived (and nonsensical).

But we loved both The Expendables and the Martin Creed show at Fruitmarket. And in the absence of a real reason to explain why we like both, we'll settle for what we just made up on the spot right there.

We've been thinking...(since we learned how to)

Our massively important work requires that we wander about shows and creative happenings a fair amount. We've met a lot of artists, curators, directors, whatever and realised that to meet one/some/any of these people and introduce yourself as similar immediately throws up problems. Seeing as our work effectively renders us to some extent or another all of these things, despite having machines which are 100% accurate, sometimes a degree of hostility is thrust our way. It likely has something to do with an assumed equality, an implication that we have the reputation to call ourselves what we do. Either way, here's an illustration to help you imagine that feeling we often encounter;

Luckily, we know we're great and we freaking love it, it keeps us on our toes so bring it on!

The Terminal Bar at TROVE

The most recent show at TROVE was pretty intense, this time curated by Morgan Quaintance as opposed to the usual Trove-y duo. What we saw can best describe like this;

...but black and white. We had to use double strength art detecting fluid due to the vast number of images on display. And we're pleased to announce that it got a midway-between-decent-and-awesome in all our tests.

1970s o'clock.

We just got in from a pretty intensely hot scanning at Ikon Gallery. Well, actually, we got in about 2 hours ago. And we might have stopped off after Ikon at the pub. But aside from that we we went to the opening of Ikon's 'This Could Happen To You'. We're not so sure it could, not without a time machine anyway, and although we have one, it's a little dusty and rusty, so we'll stick to the point. The show was pretty fine. It refers to the birth of Ikon in the 70s, possibly from some kind of gigantic artistic gallery womb-come-mothership. Here's a picture of two of our operatives closely examining the show;

Now at this stage there are two possible conclusions for you to choose from. We suggest tossing a coin to decide which. So

Heads - Most of our agents weren't alive in the 70s - Who was?! And in that respect, what we saw was the perfect example of art from the time. Great!

Tails - Pretty sure that if this had been a true representation of the 70s the pieces would've been mounted atop much more hideous walls than at Ikon.

The show runs till some time in the future. Go. You've probably stopped reading by now anyway, but it's alright, really, quite alright.

Book Show at Eastside Projects.

We spent quite a while writing a complex and reasoned discussion as to why our detectors gave Book Show (or BOOK SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as they seemed to prefer shouting on the website) at Eastside Projects a marginal fail. We then stumbled across a book which expressed it better than we ever could. Here it is;

As much as initial long review would have been suitably tedious and in that way reflective of the show, we opted on this occasion to use literature to convey our point. Something it feels Eastside Projects didn't bother with.

Don't get too down about it though arts-fans, we saw a super show just around the corner. A review is winging its way towards you.

A blast from the not too distant past.

We love self promoting one heck of a lot. After all, we know how great we are. But it does feel even sweeter when someone else seems to be as understanding and appreciative of the invaluable service we provide to the world. We've pretty much posted this everywhere, on ourFacebook and Twitter, but here's the link to the A.N. review we got for our ARC show just over a month ago.

Now. On to detect the show at ARC tonight. Oh yeah!

Jeremy Wood - Traverse Me - Warwick Arts Centre.

The other day we stopped by at the Mead Gallery in Coventry to check out whatever was on there. We didn't prepare, so when we discovered that the show was a Richard Long-ish Land Art show called 'Traverse Me' by artist Jeremy Wood, I'm sure you can imagine the look on our faces. We set the detectors to super-generous, despite which, the results were disappointing for lovers of Land Art, though truly representational of the tedium we encountered. Inspired by what we saw, we grabbed our GPS tracker and got on our lawn mower and went for a ride. Here's the result;

If you look carefully, you might notice a hidden message in the path we took. The show is on until the 3rd of July. If you're in Coventry and looking for some decent art to see over the next few days, here's our advice; get on a train and go to London. Just kidding, there are some decent happenings later this week in Birmingham. It's less far and less rah than London. Watch this space for reviews. We'll be there.

Arty Fortnight.

We've been and seen a fair bit over the last few weeks, some of which we'll inevitably forget to mention. Luckily though, the majority was definite bad art so you'll not be missing much. Highlights were Florian Hecker and degree shows at Margaret Street and Nottingham Trent University. Watch this space next week for an ingenious new review system we'll be rolling out. Maybe here, maybe on our Facebook. Now...back to the spanners.

A quiet few weeks.

At this time of year, as I'm sure most people with arty interests know, is the time when a glut of dreaful art braves the real world in degree shows throughout the land. We've been to a few so far, and will continue to do so over the next week or so. If you've got any top shows or absolute howlers let us know, we've just finished applying for a bunch of stuff that will hopefully come through soon, but until then, we're using this as a chance to keep our calibration up to date.

Oh we are tired..

So ARC went well, there are some photos up on Facebook for your retrospective enjoyment, and we've popped up on a blog; (Don't ask how we found this) CuratorCharlie, which considering it is by the lady who handles TROVE, and who helped to curate the Worcester Open, its pretty flattering we got the mention.

Thanks have gone out left right and centre to everyone who helped out, but we really wanna drum home the support for ridding the world of bad art that we get!

Here's some from Wednesday;

Now, back to hunt for somewhere to build our latest invention.

ARC Poster.

A few of you eagle eyed art lovers out there may have seen a poster flying around for our ARC night next week. Just in case you haven't, here it is;

Feel free to spread it around wherever you want! The more people that come the better, and remember, we'll be certificating good-art with certificates of certification, so bring along any art you need a verdict on and we'll check it out for you!